Less cricket per cricket

I just had to. The IPL is taking the cricketing world (read : My life) by storm. The funda behind the (sophisticated) title is that even though we are swamped with as many as 80 overs of cricket per day, we have over 26 hrs of so called cricketing broadcast everyday.

Here is a list of piss-offs and a list of awesomes that the IPL has given rise to .

Piss - Offs - !
Awesomes - +

! Repetitive broadcast of Jilpaanx Shetty's blank face - which has no idea of how to change expression depending on the performance of her team.
+ The Miss Bollywood contest - lame as it sounds, it still makes the cut.


! Waiting for Lacks Man Vishnubrahmakrishnan to say something with a purpose and not just - " That has hit the bat and rolls away on the ground towards the fielder at point who gets his hands down and fields it with both his hands and gets up and looks towards the keeper. He now digs his nose .... "
+ Robin Jackman and Harsha Bhogle showing what commentary really is.


! The strategic timeout - just when you've found a cozy spot in the hall.
+ If it results in a wicket of the opposition.


! The soooper Umpiring of many like Mr. Bad Hexer who would lift the right fingers at exactly the wrong times. Wish someone would raise the wrong finger at them. Oh oh, did I mention 3rd umpiring decisions ? There is enough technology to tell you everything about the action, just short of making a decision by itself. What was that Symond's stumping all about anyways??
+ If the wrong decision goes in favour of your team.


! The fielding of the team you are supporting.
+ The fielding of the opposition.


! Not being able to change your Fantasy Cricket trump player before the next match.
+ Realising that the player who would've been your trump, if you had the opportunity, gets out for a duck.


! Watching Jilpaanx's team win those incredibly close games and Ambumani's /Rukh Ja Khan's losing them.
+ Watching Jushit Shawarma hit 21 off the last over.


! Beergalore Cheerleaders
+ GultiGaaru's Cheerleaders


! This Guy.
+ This Guy.


! "Khuda Jaane" being played with such frequency that people, like me, who do not know hindi start humming it.
+ The (place where animals are kept)(place where animals are kept)s.


! Ads being played as soon as the last ball of the over is bowled, thereby screwing any possibility of watching the replay of a good shot off that ball.
+ The horn like sounds made by the DJ and the consequent cheering by the SA junta.


! Watching A Run Red using words like "Niyanthran" and "Anuchith" and not knowing WTF he's talking about.
+ Same as above. :)


! Watching Shanti Bedi (With the short hair and majorly degraded sex appeal) trying to sound interesting in all her interviews.
+ The organisers donating generously to the schools in SA, indicating once again that they have an incredible amount of money.


! Going blech at the site of Modis Operandi signing autographs at the stadium. Seriously ! - Puke , Puke.
+ Watching the kind of crowds that turn up to watch the tournament.


! Failures of players like Shave-Wag ,Batmansidekick Fatdosawithtoppings, Sorrow Gang Ooly and I'll be Snorkel.
+ The oldies - especially the ex Oz openers, the Beergalorean who just had a kid and the Beergalorean captain.

All said, the IPL is a phenomenon (as opposed to Gautam or Unni or Kay Kay) and is here to stay... and stealing a line from a high calorie ad - I'm loving it.

PS : If you're on twitter, follow me here ...click it... noww.

Recession is a beach...Still

And we're back !
So the lay off happened - - link - - So when people would ask me how it felt to be laid off, I'd say " It's an eye opener" , "Thank god this happened - Now life is a lot more interesting", "Now I can really do what I like doing" - All Bullshit. Fact is, I don't really know what I like doing ! And even if I do want to venture out into the unknown, who's gonna pay me more than peanuts? (Tamil Makkal Warning : Previous line has nothing to do with talking to girls.) But i tried. Little. But I did. Applied to 2 Ad firms through acquaintances of people who are known to people that I vaguely know. So frankly, I have no clue whether the application actually made it through.But yes, lots of hard work. I'd walk into office everyday (2 in no.) and apply indiscriminately. Spammed every company I knew. And the one's I did not. Referred this and spammed. Naukri and spammed. Monster and spammed. Built product and spammed. Had pee break and spammed. Lunch and spammed.Breathe - Spam - Breathe - Spam - Spam - Spam - Spam - CPR -Spam -Spam - Pam - Pam - Spam. Companies were now getting more emails with subject "Job Application" than "Is your drilling machine letting you down ?".

Apparently, none of these companies were recruiting. At least I got that impression from the way they replied to my mails. They didn't. But this whole referral system was working out. All these bigger companies (unlike Vinidqustomerz), had a referral system/ Job portal. So it became easy to trick people into thinking that you are good. It also helps if you have a legacy of giving people the impression that you are stud, which was the case with me. Luckily it worked and I got 3 interview calls. One from the Abode of Barry Allen , one from a company that rhymed with (What you do with a straw)(4 letter expletive) - - (Henceforth referred to as Joe) and another with Hot-Woks, a Chinese restaurant.

Joe had an hour long telephonic interview in which they tested my auditory skills and understanding of amit_123 English apart from the less important coding and algorithms. Somehow after that interview, I din't really feel like working there. As it turned out, they felt the same way about my future :)

Then came Hot-Woks. I was pretty surprised that a Chinese Restaurant would test potential employees with an aptitude test and a code-pairing session, leave alone a technical interview for an hour and a half. I was pretty impressed by their selection process.What I had no clue about was that Hot-Woks had diversified into IT consulting and was in the process of recruiting Software Developers. Now THAT is diversification.

My interview with HW had gone well so when I received a call from the Abode of Barry Allen, I approached it half-heartedly. The ABA was a big company that manufactured fireworks, had a training program for acrobats, set up shops that sell photos and most importantly encouraged women at Mardi-Gras do outrageous things. So yeah, getting into the Abode (look what I did there ?) is a tough task. The interview questions were pretty simple but my answers sounded stupid. Even to me. Once the interview was done, I was politely asked to leave.

Meanwhile, things at Hot-Woks were brewing (and there ?). The person who referred me to the person who had referred me to Hot-Woks told me that I got the job. Once I heard that, I
began spamming the HR in their head office. Guess what. I got the job.

As a result, this post will not be going into its Parts 3,4 and 5 which were originally planned.

Recession is a beach

Yes, I have been directly affected. I now have receding hair. The water in Namma Bengaluru is terrible - Hair Fall per Day is increasing at a hair-raising rate. On some days I go to sleep wondering if I'd wake up bald.

Somehow this whole recession thing doesn't seem to be affecting my waistline though. I really wish that Murphy guy hadn't existed, if it could've been his fault, then it would've.

Coming to the Point - I got laid off a few weeks back from, say, Vinidqustomerz Software Technologies(VST) , A [Dhoni's Initials] Gold Certified Partner. Basically VST had some trouble finding people to buy the software that it was developing. This could be attributed to a few reasons :
. Economic Recession - Anything these days can be attributed to this - the viewership of Roadies has gone up because of the recession (Cos frankly, there could be no other reason)
. When in India, Be Indian - Buy Indian - I mean buy like an Indian - And which Indian buys Software ??? - And considering VST shifted its focus to the sub-continent - D . O . O . M
. The product sucks , but the prospective clients don't know about it. Yet, they consider it as a possibility and think twice.
. The product sucks , and they know it.

So , obviously, some steps had to be taken. VST decided to change its cost structure and to facilitate that, lay off 12.5% of its workforce. That's right - one-eighth of the company was laid off ! (That, considering that the workforce is 48. The percentage can fluctuate largely if I missed the figure by a few employees.) Change in cost structure meant they had to shift to a more front-end sales mode than invest in further software development.

It isn't always sad when you get laid off. I've heard stories from my friends who've encountered similar fates at companies like Moon Microsystems and Disco and they must've been pretty pleased with the severance package that they received- Roughly 3 months anddd a laptop ! My expectations were somehow dashed when I heard I will get only one month - during which I must also work!! . . Work like I've never worked before. All of a sudden I had features to complete, bugs to fix. . which seems strange since while I was on the job, I spent most of my time doing this and this. That said, I've been blogging from office today :). Now, Coffee Break ;).

Watch this space for Part 2 of Recession is a beach - Applications - Naukri, Dragons etc, Tests, Interviews and everything else that a jobless person does these days.

PLOGARHYTHM

Yeah I know, sucky title. There were many that didn't make the cut : Plogic , Plogspot, Plogger.There was even Mathew Ploggard and Sleep like a plog. I'm sure you would all agree that this is the winner. Yes, this is my first Plog. I got myself a Sony Ericsson W760i a few months back (with a 3.2 MP cam). Now that I have a cam, it only makes sense to use it .

These are some interesting Signboards and other useless crap that I just had to include in my blog because , you know, it goes with the theme.

Let's start of on an Environmental note. Here's the garden city for you :

Hey, wait a sec!

Well, Bangalore is in India after all. And it is human tendency to disobey , especially at that very place. Take this for example :

Please do not sit on the steps ! ( My first Paparazzi pic :)

That's right. "Please do not sit on the steps" , outside Casa Piccola (Jayanagar). The step above this (not in picture) said "Please do not take photos of Step below".

I thought I'd give you guys a peek into my life in Bangalore when I realized I wasn't that big a celebrity to use those words (Yet). For some reason though, I had taken a pic of my Kitchen which is going waste , so here it is .

Our very own lay Meridien

In my life (spanning 23 years) I've seen many spalling mistakes, especially at Restorents, or is it Restaraunt ? Everything from Malay Gupta (at gate, NITT) to "Puncher Shop" (every frikking cycle shop there is). So it wasn't a big deal when I saw this :

Pick Pockters ( Cool Joint ..Jayanagar)

Some smart alec decided he was going to rid this world of scum. As a consequence, right outside the above joint (No, I will not encourage cheap Jamaican jokes), you would find this :

Pick Pocketers

Like Pick Pocketers is correct !

I got too fed up with Bangalorean stupidity, so I went over to Chennai for a weekend. And I find this :

A.T.M (North Usman Rd)

Yeah, sure, thanks. And you take care while talk English. A few hours later, I came across this interestingly named restaurant. (That was just to prove to you that I actually know the spelling ( Orr that I'm tech savvy enough to use spell-check))

Midnight Masala (Kodambakkam High Rd)

No no, I wasn't trying to be the stud photographer that I'm not, was just on a speeding bike. Wonder how the food is though.

That's all folks !. But I'll leave you with a message that has an incredible amount of depth , but whether it was intended or not is a completely different question.

Life Begins With Happy Journey ( Back of Van, Road)

Pink is the new kinda lingo !

I'm sure you all know about this. and this. Now, in the midst of this war of words and ideas and cloth materials let us just take a step back and analyze what is happening (There you go... I already sound important :P).

FACTS :
Mangalore Pub Beat Up
-> Nation (Women in Particular (Karnataka women in more particular ( Karnataka Women who frequent pubs in even more particular(Guys who take Karnataka Women who frequent pubs to pubs in MOST particular)))) agitation

-> Renuka Chaudhury (Minister for Women and Child Development) figures out super lame action plan - "Pub Bharo, Mug Bharo, Pet Bharo"

-> Junta feels that is not enough and action plan 2.0 ( sending valentine's day card to Mr.Muthalik) is born

-> Junta wearing pink chaddis decide they'd rather send their undergarments - considering its shelf life and aesthetic appeal

-> Ram Sene comes up with ingenious action plan 4.0 - send sarees as return gifts - going to prove their generosity and that the Indian culture does not advocate the use of underwear , of course besides the fact that they too celebrate valentine's day.


PONDERING :
. If one gets a saree return for an underwear, will I get a shirt if i send him a pair of socks ? (I can even try and find pink ones)
- sounds a lot better than a Big Bazaar Bargain.

. According to the news item (linked to above), the Ram Sene has collected 150 sarees. That in return to an estimated 1500 chaddis - Does that mean they adopt the first come first served system?
- then I'm sending one right away , and also booking one for the next year.

. If they were to catch a couple on the streets, on what criteria do they decide which thread is given to them (raakhi / mangal sutra)? Because if the verdict is Mangal Sutra for non siblings, then all those couples with opposition from families can just hold hands and walk on the roads.
- And to all those suffering from love failure ( of the rejection kind) just spend a few minutes with your target on the roads.

. The latest buzz is that the Ram Sene is worried about Legal Action (all of a sudden!) - Implying that if they do find couples on the streets, they wouldn't get them married off, but would hand them over to their parents. ( Yes, they believe Parents are worse than the idea of marriage, .. with all that Indian culture and stuff).
- Also, in case they aren't able to find their parents, they will hand them over to the police station. ( aka "Maamanaar veedu"(Father-in-law's house) in Tamil local parlance - Which is in effect the same thing as handing over to the parents , just phrased differently , by the following Axiom Obviosa : Father(x) = Father-in-law(Spouse(x)))

. How are they planning to watch the junta ? Do they just come out of nowhere to catch them couples? Do they have watch towers with positioned guards? People walking around in Mufti ( non-orange clothes - ie visible spectrum - [ Orange Peel, Burnt Orange]) ? Or do they have Surveillance Cameras?
- Oops , I think that last one is against Indian Culture.

. Will they open a lingerie store post V day? One that sells second hand products also?
- Yes, gross ... I know. Now don't say that second'hand' is not the right word.

. Will Ramadoss ban Pubs? Or women going to pubs? Or Action against women going to pubs? Or wearing Saffron? Or Valentine's Day?

. Is it safe to walk with people of the same sex on the streets? Do they believe in gay marriage? What happens to people who are already married? Do they believe in polygamy? Are they swerving towards Islamic fundamentals? What happens to the old spouse? What if they find a foreigner couple? Will it make sense to them that they need not follow 'Indian culture' ? What if they find an Indian and a foreigner? Will they half marry them? Like 1.5 knots or "Maanga Thanthu Ma Jee H th Na" ?


Most importantly, will they serve food at the marriage??

He ain't nothing but a Slum Dog !

- Elvis will leave the building shortly.

Slumdog Millionaire.Everyone knows about the movie... It has already won 4 golden globes , and will probably scalp a few at the oscars. I do not wish to give a synopsis because it would be too short and contain spoilers like :
" You know what , he actually won the 20 million rupees" ( Yes, lets face it, as weird as the phrase "Million Rupees" sounds, the Indian show is called 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' (Or Milinaer as the glorious host puts it)..Oh wait, make that 20 , and (getting back to the spoilers)
"Hey, he actually gets the girl of his dreams" and " Hey, his brother actually gets punished for being a bad boy !" and " Hey there's Irfan Khan in the movie " :).

Total thumbs up for the screenplay and the Music which kept the viewer's senses locked to the movie. But this being a critical blog based on satire, it would make little sense to sing praises. So let's analyse some glaring screw-ups .. ha ha ... I like!

REBUS:

+

• Jamal (the protagonist) basically grew up with his brother Salim who had incredible control over the Hindi Swear language, as clearly portrayed by his utterances at the age of somewhere less than 5.( I mean when we were saying a little more than gaga goo goo, he was saying ...). Then he grew up etc into a fine young Chaiwala. Hmmm.. where is this headed..OK, here's what happens.. He develops a frikking British accent. Not just him, the people closest to him ( namely Salim and Lathika) do not call him 'Jamaal' anymore , they call him 'Juh'maal'...ya know..by putting Peter. So, slum guy who's been hearing Hindi(&*&^%%^) and Hindi(**&&**%%) develops a completely out of context Brit accent when people who host a show on National Television can't pull off the word 'Millionaire' without sounding retarded.
• Correct me if I'm wrong ( actually don't bother) , but methought these game shows are shot, edited to fine degrees to cut out the good stuff and keep the nonsense and then telecast like a week later or so. Here though, one night he's on the show, the next morning at the police office, and before you know it he's mobbed by fans who want him to win the money, hoping he'd give them a bite.
• It gives the word coincidence a lot of work. Make that co^14 incidence ( 14 questions + except the last one he fluked). And to explain that sort of a story to the cops would be quite a task. Frankly, being a little smarter than Irfan Khan('s character) myself, I definitely wouldn't have bought that story.
• Anil Kapoor.

If you don't mind ignoring the above, you must love the movie and there is a good chance you were part of the Golden Globe evaluation team. Also, you will notice the following points

• Brilliant performances by kids and adults alike ( barring Anil Kapoor), especially young Jamal and younger Jamal.
• The lady of the movie looks equally unpretty at all ages... good job, just going to prove that if you look bad now there is a high probability you will, 20 years from now.
• The Screenplay.
• The slums, the riots, the call center, the undying love for a girl he met when he was 4 , the usage of everyday hindi words by tiny kids etc
• The Music is trademark Rahman : catchy and killer.
• Did I mention Screenplay?

Suggested Ending : After he wins the million, Irfan Khan goes back to his station and stares at the collage on his wall. There is one Newspaper cutting of Lathika Hardware company, one of a most wanted criminal by the name Salim. He then checks out that tumbler that he was having chai from, which is in fact branded Maman and the tea itself being Taj Mahal Tea. Yes, it would've kicked 'The Usual Suspects' in the ....ahem....ok .. family area... tata.

PS: 20 million rupees does not make you a millionaire can you believe . Look !

Anhoni ko Dhoni (ke Fans) Kar De

Remember the age old Shakespearean question on the topic of which division you should choose in your second grade? I've found the answer - 'To be Dhoni' is the answer. A group of die hard Dhoni fanatics (For over 20 years) , have come up with a plan ( and an elevation and other figures) to build a Place of worship for da man. One doubt :
Haven't they taken this 'Cricket is a religion in India' thing a little too literally?

-- Aside : Why Dhoni ? What sort of a name is that? Here are my suggested etymologies :

1. His ancestors are from Kerala and one of their names was Anthony. But with all that mallu accent around, to his dismay, and to the rest of the world's frustration , everyone called him Undhoni, which people mistook as a conjunction followed by Dhoni , and the name has stuck.

2. Microsoft employees performed time travel into the year 1981 to release a product called MS Dhoni.

3. His real name was Mahendra. There was a famous Bihari song in the 90s that went "Dhoni Dhoni Dhoni". He walked into karaoke pub one night and the junta urged him to sing the song. So they said "Mahendra Sing Dhoni", and since everyone was saying that, some retarded people in the crowd started thinking that it was his name.

4. His Great grand Chitappa owned a laundry shop in Chennai. And well, the Tamil makkal did not know Hindi too well so they'd say " Dho Nee".

5. Dhoni or Doni is a multi-purpose sail boat with a motor or lateen sails that is used in the Maldives. It is handcrafted and its use within the multi-island nation has been very important. A dhoni resembles a dhow, a traditional Arab sailing vessel. Actually that sucks for an etymo. Please Scrap 5.

-- End of Aside , All reals.

All that aside (Heh :) , what becomes of him if this were to happen. He would be the Youngest Hindu God. ( Hindu because very few other faiths have multiple gods, and the others which do wont tolerate him. Even Cricket is too busy praying to the Sachin God. Youngest because he is 27 and , well, he is closely followed by Lord Muruga in second spot at a billion and a half.)
According to the papers they will build a 5 ft tall Idol of him. Oh wait , or is it 20 ft. I think they will settle on 12.5. And what will the bhajans be like?? 20-20 Bhajans?? Well, here's an example :

BCCI had no selection Stratechee
So they looked at the others and said Chee Chee
That is why they gave him the captainchee
And he comes from a place that's so Raunchy.

It is also in his general knowlechee
That the WWf panda's Name is chi-Chi
He is India's very own Annaachee
And he comes from a place that's so Raunchy.

Instead of Saying Hi , Kem Chee
Or Saying Bingo chips is Crunchee
Sorry this song is Pulichi Pochee
And he comes from a place that's so Raunchy

All said and done, Dhoni is a pretty decent captain, and a major patriot. One can see his commitment to the country ( And the Men in Blue campaign) in this picture where he is seen drinking blue water. Dhoni was not available for comment owing to a bitter copyright battle with Bill Gates.( Or because he hasn't visited my house in the last hour, as you like it ( Damn the Shakespeare in me !)).

In other related news, the star of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ( a critically acclaimed movie that released hardly a week back), Anushka Sharma, has said that she will only choose the best films. No... Seriously... Go check your newspaper.